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Joke 1 
Malayalee's ConfusionOnce, in a village in Kerala, there lived two identical brothers. They looked very much alike in every respect and the villagers often had trouble distinguishing between them.
Unfortunately, one of them died. Sankaran Kutti, our hero, decided to visit the grief-stricken family and console them. Now, there was a problem. Sankaran was not sure which of the brothers had died.
Our ever-resourceful hero solved the problem ingeniously. He walked upto the surviving sibling and asked amidst tears - "Is it you who is dead or is it your Brother ?"
Joke 2
Movie on GavaskarWhen Gavaskar finds out that there has been released, a movie, in Australia called "Gavaskar", he is very happy. He plans to watch it and gets a ticket for Australia at once.
With great difficulty he manages to get a ticket and very happily he goes to see the movie. But when he comes out of the cinema he is very angry!
He goes straight to the director of the movie and says, "What do you mean by this? You named your movie 'Gavaskar', but didnt show anything about me in it!".
The director of the movie laughs and says, "So now you understand the problem? You people too made a movie called 'Border', but did you show anything about Allan Border in it?"
Joke 3
PercentageAn Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings. He asked
"How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?"
The senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window.
"Can you see the river?"
"Yes"
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
"Of course", said the minister.
"10 percent", said the senator smugly.
Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house, the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc. etc.
"How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in RS?', he asked.
The minister called him to the window.
"See the river over there?"
"Sure", cried the senator.
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said -
"No, I don't see any bridge."
"100 percent", said the minister !!
Joke 4
Indian RouletteYou've all heard of Russian roulette and a joke's been making the rounds about African roulette.
How many of you know how to play Indian roulette though ?
You're given a flute and 6 large cobras, one of whom is deaf.
Joke 5
Whistle!A Rajastani, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the rail tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a iron rod from the nearby shelf and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
Joke 6
BirdFeedA farmer brought his pride rooster to sell in the market. "What do you feed that bird that he is so big?" asked a Pathan soldier of the Pakistan army. "I feed it rice, Sir," replied the farmer. "How dare you waste rice on the bird while we are short of food?"
The Pathan Seized the bird
The next day the farmer brought another rooster to sell. "What do y6u feed' that bird that he is so big?" demanded a Baluch soldier of the Pakistan army "Sir, I feed it with ghee;" replied the farmer. "How dare you waste ghee on a bird while we are short of food!" swore the Baluchi as he seized the bird.
The next day the poor farmer brought his last remaining rooster to the market. This time a Punjabi Mussalman soldier asked him, "What do you feed that bird that it is so big?"
The Bangla farmer joined the palms of his hands and pleaded, "Sir, I don't give him any feed. I just give him two paise every day to buy whatever he likes in the market."
Joke 7
Headlines* Bihar sold to Pakistan; Resulted In an unrelated incident Literacy soars up to 86% in India
* Self-immolation best bet to reduce population: Dept. of Family Planning.
* Population Statistics: 42% - Literate, 58% - Politicians
* MF Hussian paints Mulayam Singh Yadav nude
* Flood in Bihar; 2 die of thirst
* India wins Gold in India versus Rest Of India Games
* Poverty to be eradicated in India using Virtual Reality Software
* Laloo to be made National Animal
* Freedom Fighters to be lathi-charged to commomerate 50 years of Independence.
* Ramar Pillai produces Pottasium Permanganate from Rice, Water, a stick and some Pottasium Permanganate
* No bombings in Kashmir today
* Suit filed holding Rao responsible for Battle of Panipat, 1526
* Ray of hope for India as Ravi Shastri retires
* Doctorate conferred on Jayalalitha for completing 2 months in Jail
* Death penalty upheld for Attempted Suicide victim
Joke 8
Aati Kya Khandala Hindi:
He : Aye kya bolti tu?
She: Aye kya main bolun?
He : Sun
She: Suna
He : Aati kya Khandala?
She: Kya karun aakey main khandala?
He : Ghumenge, phirenge, naachenge, gayenge. aaish karenge aur kya?
Kashmiri:
H: heey, kya chaakh wannan;
S: heev, kya bhe wanneyyyy;
H: booz;
S: wanoo;
H: pakha telle khandala;
S: kya karee weeteth bhe khandala;
H: pherevhey,nachevhey,geevevhey,khevevhey,eesh karav,beyy kya??
Bengali:
H: ei ki bolis tui;
S: ei ki ar boli;
H: son;
S: sona;
H: jabi ki khandala??
S: ki kori giye khandala;
H: are, ghurbo phirbo nachbo gaibo maja korbo ar ki;
Marathi:
H: Aye kay tu mhantes?;
S: aye kay me mhanhu?
H: aik;
S: aikav;
H: yetes ka khandala?;
S: kay karu yevon me khandala?;
H: bhatkuya, phiruya, gavuya, nachuya, aish karuya. aankhen kay?
Telugu:
H: Aye,yemantaavu?
S: Aye, Yem cheppaali?
H: Vinu,
S: Cheppu;
H: Vastaava Khandala??
S: Yem Cheddam velli manam Khandala?
H: Thirugudaam, Aadudhaam, Paadudaam, Ganthulu Yeddaam Inkemi?
Punjabi:
H: a ke boldi tu;
S: a ke mein bolan;
H: sunh;
S: sunha;
H: aande aein khandala;
S: ke karain ae ke mein khandala;
Kannada:
H: Aye, Yenanti Nee?
S: Aye, Naanu Yenu Anali?
H: Kelu,
S: Helu;
H: Barteeya Khandala?
S: Yenu Maadali Naa bandu Khandala?
H: Thirugona, Kuniyona, Hadona, Aadona, Majaa Madona... Innenu?
Sindhi: <---- This is Me --Haresh
H: Aye cha ti chaven?
S: aye cha maan chavan?
H: budh;
S: buhay;
H: achiti cha khandala?
S: cha kayan achi maan khandala?
H: ghumandasi, phirandasi, gayendasi, aaish kandasi, byo cha?
Gujarati:
H: Aye su bole tu?
S: aye hun su bolu?
H: sambhad;
S: sambhdav
H: aavechey ke khandala?
S: su karu aavene khandala?
H: ghumsu, pharsu, khavsu,peevsu, aaish karsu. beeju su?
Magahi (BIHARI):
H: A ki bolahin too,
S: A kya boliyuow hum,
H: Sun
S: sunaow
H: Aaimahi ki khandala;
S: Ki kariaow aake hum khandala;
H: Gumbai Phirbai aish karbai aur ki,
English:
H: Aye what do you say?
S: Aye what should I say?
H: Listen.
S: Tell.
H: Coming kya khandala?
S: What do I do coming to khandala?
H: We'll roam, we'll sing we'll dance we'll do aish. what else?
Joke 9
Letter from the US -- The Inscrutable AmericansDear brother,
greetings to respectful parents. I am hoping all is well with health and wealth. I am fine at my end. Hoping your end is fine too. With God's grace and parents' blessings I am arriving safely in America and finding good apartment near University. Kindly assure mother that I am strictly consuming vegetarian food only in restaurants though I am not knowing if cooks are Brahmins. I hope parents' prayers are residing with me.
Younger brother, I am having so many things to tell you that I am not knowing where to sart. Most surprising thing about America is it is full of Americans. Everywhere Americans, Americans, big and white, it is little frightening. The flight from New Delhi to New York is arriving safely thanks to God's grace and Parents' prayers and mine too. I am not able to go to bathroom whole time because I am sitting in corner seat as per revered grandmother's wish. Father is rightly scolding that airplane is flying too high to have good view. Still please tell her I have done needful.
But, brother, in next two seats are sitting two old gentle ladies and if I am getting up then they are put in lot of botheration so I am not getting up for except when plane is stopping for one hour in London. Many foods are being served in carts but I am only eating cashew nuts and bread because I am not knowing what is food and what is meat. I am having a good time drinking 37 glasses of Coca-Cola.
They are rolling down a screen and showing a film but I am not listening because air hostess ladies are selling head phones for 2 dollars which is Rs.60 and in our beloved Jajau townwe can sit in balcony seats in Regal Talkies for only Rs.3. I am asking lady if they are giving student discount but she is too busy. I am also asking her for more Coca-Cola but she is looking like she is weeping and walking away. I think perhaps she is not understanding proper English.
Then I am sleeping long time after London and when I am waking it is like we are flying over sea of lights. Everywhere, brother, as far as I am seeing there are lights lights. It is like God has made carpet of lights. Then we are landing in New York and plane is going right upto door so that we are not having to walk in cold. I must say Americans are very advanced. And as I am leaving aeroplane, air hostess is giving me one more can of Coca-Cola. Her two friends are also with her, but why they are laughing so much I do not know. I think these Americans are strange but friendly people in their hearts. I hope she was not laughing for racial. Perhaps she was feeling shy earlier.
Then I am going to long bathroom. As I am leaving I am making first friend in America. This is Negro gentleman named Joe who is standing at door and as I am opening it he is holding out hand so I am shaking it and telling him my name and he is tellng me his. I am telling him if he is ever coming to Jajau he can ask for National Hair Oil Factory. If I have not returned from Higher Studies please tell father that if negro gentleman named Joe is visiting Jajau he may kindly do needful.
In this way I feel each and every one of us is serving as Ambassador of our beloved Motherland. Joe is doubtful I feel because he says "Far out, man, far out", but I am reassuring him that India is only 16 hours away by plane and that is not very far. I think he is accepting this because he is not saying anything any more.
Next I go to place marked " Baggage" as Father has advised and suddenly place I am sitting starts to move throwing me. It is like python we once saw in forest, only rattling and with luggage bouncing on its back and sometimes leaping to attack passengers. I am also throwing myself on bag before it is escaping. I think if I am not wrestling it down it would revert to plane and back home to India. I am only joking of course. Before this I am meeting very friendly gentleman at Immigration desk. I do not know why all relatives had warned against this man, bacause he is so friendly. He is talking English strangely but is having kind heart because he is asking me about nuts and I am saying that I am liking very much and eating many on plane. "Totally, totally nutss," he is saying, which I feel American expression for someone fond of cashewnuts. Before this he is showing friendliness by asking "How is it going?" I am telling his fully and frankly about all problems and hopes, even though you may feel that as American he may be too selfish to bother about decline in price of hair oil in Jajau town. But, brother, he is listening very quietely with eyes on me for ten minutes and then we are having friendly talk about nuts and he is wanting me to go.
At Customs, brother, I am getting big shock. One fat man is grunting at me and looking cleverly from small eyes. "First visit?" he is asking, "Yes," I am agreeing "Move on," he is saying making chalk marks on bags. As I am picking up bags he is looking directly at me and saying "Watch your ass." Now, brother, this is wonderful. How he is knowing we are purchasing donkey? I think they are knowing everything about everybody who is coming to America.
They are not allowing anybody without knowing his family and financial status and other things. And we are only buying donkey two days before my departure. I think they are keeping all information in computers. Really these Americans are too advanced.
But, brother, now I am worrying. Supposing this is CIA keeping watch or else how they can know about our donkey? Anyway please do not tell Mother and Father or they are worrying, but lock all doors and windows. If CIA wants to recruit me to be spy in Jajau, I will gladly take poison before betraying our Motherland. Then I am going out and cousins are waiting and receiving me warmly. I will write soon after settling down.
Your brother,
Joke 10
Rules for making INDIAN Movies1. If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will
- die
- join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.
2. If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savegely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
3. Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be sustained. Else, it will be overruled.
4. The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide.
5. In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.
6. When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never
- miss
- run out of bullets.
When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule).
7. Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of
- pots
- barrels
- glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.
8. Any movie involving lost+found brothers will have a song sung by
- the brothers
- their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in theclimax)
- the family dog/cat.
The amazing thing is that these folks remember the song after 20 years in the movie, and you can't remember it 2 minutes after coming out of the theatre.
9. Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in three categories:
- Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father - killed by the villain before the titles.
- Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in rule), saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero.
- The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain's sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax.
Joke 11
Laws of Immigration -- Newton's laws of ImmigrationLAW 1 :
A Desi Will Continue to Stay in USA Due To Inertia or Greed until A Force Called Deportation Is Applied.
LAW 2 :
The Force of Deportation F = ma Where :-
m = Amount Of Money Desi Earned/Saved in USA.
a = dm/dt = The Rate at which Desi Saved Money.
(This is contrary to the Popular Belief that Desi will return back after making lot of Money.)
LAW 3 :
For Each and Every Desi That Goes Back To Desh For a Temporary Visit, A Desi Of Opposite Sex will come To USA On a Permanent Basis.
Joke 12
Desi Broken English DialoguesI talk, he talk; Why do you beech beech talk?
(beech, beech = middle, middle)
Open the windows and let the atmosphere come in"!
"Why are you naat filupping the blanks ?"
Maro saale ko:: Hit the brother in law
"Hey, u guys, please keep quiet. The president is rotating outside"
"Donot smoke and spoil the botany of ur body"
"Open the windows, open the windows, let the climate come in"
Advice to father thinking about whether he should let his daughter continue her studies or get her married :
"Vell, if you wantu study her, then study her. If you wantu marry her, then marry her ."
Prof to students hanging around the corridors during exams :
"Do not revolve in the corridors in front of the examinations"
"Don't talk like that in front of my back"
"Dont stand in front of my back"
"Louly hair cutting. Hair cutting, current drying. No shock."
"Florida paan shop. Prop: Raju . B.A, M.A."
"Repeat again please!"
"Mistake became wrong!"
Did you cut the tickets for the film, yet?
Pliss, close the fan!
He/she's my cousin brother/sister
He/she's my co-brother/sister
Galatfehmi ka shikar hona:: to be hunted down by misunderstanding.
Izzat ko mitti me milana:: To mix one's honor in mud
Meri izzat ki naak cut gayee:: My honors' nose has been chopped off
Kiske saath moonh kaala kiya? :: Who have you blackened your face with?
naak mein dum karna:: to strengthen the nostrils
An instructor explaining the working of pendulum:
"Take an elephant of negligible weight"
heard in kitchen: No, No I don't need chair i can stand eating
It's so hot! Please on the fan no.
Instructor: "Take a copper wire of any metal...and pour a liquid solution of sulphuric acid in a round bottom flask of any shape.. "
A gardener scolding three kids : "Both of u three, don't under-stand the tree"!!
"Open the doors of the window, and let the atmosphere come in "
Pune'ites, and Bombay'ites will understand this - "This is not 'parvadable'"!!!
"You three, both of you kneel down together separately"
"There is no wind in the ball (deflated football)"
"Run with the fence" (alongside)
"Look at the line on your back" (falling in line)
"Apply Apply, No reply" (common one)
"Why aren't you kneel downing?"
If you talk, I'll kneel down (Always wished he would, but found out that, that's not what he meant)
Cuckoo, Blaady (Kick you, bloody...)
The principal just passed away.
Who took out the breeze of my cykill.
Meet me behind the class (meant after the class).
My cykill is understanding the tree.
Open the windows and let the AIR FORCE come in"!
Joke 13
Hamara RocketNASA was getting ready to launch a very important space shuttle. The scientists and engineers checked and double checked everything to make sure that things are fine.
However, on the day of our launch, something seemed to be wrong. The rocket gave all sorts of noise but never took off even an inch from the ground. The engineers were puzzled because they could not figure out the problem.
Finally, there was an Indian scientist who offered to help. They NASA people were desperate by that time and agreed to do anything.
"Tilt the rocket 45 degrees to the right" said the Indian scientist. The engineers were puzzled but did it anyway.
"Bring it back to vertical position" the Indian said. The engineers did.
"Now start the engines" he said. And surprise, the rocket took off and flew into outer space!
Everybody congratulated him and asked him how he knew what to do. He replied -
"It is very simple. This is what we always do with our Bajaj scooters in India".
Joke 14
And God Created India...God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining his subordinates ...............
"Look everything should be in balance. For every 10 deer's there should be a lion. Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the united states. I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension.... And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.... And here is south America. I have given them lots of forests. But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests... So you see fellows, everything should be in balance."
One of the angels asked... "God, what is this beautiful country here?"
God said "Aha...that is the crown piece of all. INDIA. My most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly people. Sparkling streams, serene mountains. A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live. Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold....."
The angel was quite surprised "But God you said everything should be in balance."
God replied "Look at the neighbors I gave them" !!
Joke 15
Laloo's speechExcerpt from a Laloo Prasad Yadav Speech (it was really said by him)
"I Thank You All For Coming Here From The Bottom Of My Heart And Also From My Wife's Bottom"
Joke 16
Good Ol Barber There is this Good Ol' Barber in some city in US.
One day a Florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies:
'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.
The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies:
'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.
The Cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.
A Desi Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and barber replies;
'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there -
A Dozen Desis waiting for a free Haircut
Joke 17
Bihari Babu Jokes A Bihari went to a cigarette shop and asked: Bhai ek Will dena, so the guy selling the cigarettes told him that there is no brand by the name of Will, it is Wills, but the Bihari insisted and said I want one Will, so the person told him unless you say it correctly i.e Wills I won't sell it to you, so the Bihari went mad and said "Hum ek hi to maang rahen hain pura packet to nahin maang rahen hain".
A Bihari goes to a movie hall and asks: Do ticket dena, the person at the window tells him that there is a house full, so this Bihari says koi baat nahin do house full de do.
Joke 18
Regional Jokes Maharastrian jokes ( A little knowledge of Marathi might help )
Q : What do you call a Maharashtrian in the U.S.?
A : Western Ghati.
Q : What does a Maharashtrian mean by "fast food"?
A : Sabudana Khichdi.
Q : What do you call a Maharashtrian who makes air-conditioners?
A : Cool-karni.
Q : Which is the highest office occupied by Maharashtrians in the U.S.A.?
A : That of the Vice-President - Dan Quayle(Kale) & Al Gore. :
Mumbai-ite jokes :-
Q : How come the Bombay Ranji team has so many fast bowlers?
A : West Indians are natural fast bowlers.
Q : How do dogs in Dombivli (place near Bombay) wag their tails?
A : Up & down. Because, they don't have enough space to wag sideways.
Q : What did one tamarind in a sack tell its neighbour?
A : "I feel as if I am travelling in a Bombay local". :
Bong jokes ( no knowledge of Bengali reqd ):- :
Q : How does the Bong learn the alphabet?
A : A for Orange, B for Bhegetable.... :
Q : How does a Bong relax in the evening?
A : He goes to the Howrah Breez to get some Brij. :
Q : What does the Bong do first in the morning?
A : After baking up from hees slip, he removes the bed-shit. :
Delhi-ite jokes :-
Q : Red-line private buses are notorious for their recklessness and hit rate. When a red-line bus is on the road, which is the best place be in?
A : Inside the bus.
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