Below are the jokes that have previously been labelled Joke of the Week! Check it out.
This Page is updated weekly so do come back soon for more laughs.
This Page is updated weekly so do come back soon for more laughs.
| This weeks "JoKe Of ThE wEeK". Click here to read it. |
| 03/11/99 | 25/10/99 | 18/10/99 | 11/10/99 | 04/10/99 | 27/09/99 | 20/09/99 | 13/09/99 |
| 06/09/99 | 30/08/99 | 23/08/99 | 16/08/99 | 9/08/99 | 2/08/99 | 26/07/99 | 19/07/99 |
Something Christmassy
Week: Monday 3rd November 1999.Three men die in a car accident Christmas eve.They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven.On entering they must present something Christmassy.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a Christmas card, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture , St. Peter asks "how do these represent Christmas?"
He answered, "they're Carol's."
SUBJECT: COMPLAINT LETTER
Week: Monday 25th October 1999.P.S. There are no spelling mistakes or typo's, its just the way this guy pronounces the word.
An Italian tourist wrote a complain letter to the hotel manager in London:
The manager
Dear Signor Diretorre,
Now I am tella you teh story how I was treated at your hotella. I am Comma from Palermo as tourist to london and stay as a young a man at your hotella. How can I sleep with no shit in my bed? I calla down the receptione and tella: "I wanna shit".They tella me "Go to the toillett".
I say "no, no, I wanna shit in my bed"
They say "You betta not shit in your bed, you sonnawabitch". Wat is sonnawabitch?!
I go down for ristorante for breakfast. I order bacon and eggs and two pisses of toast, I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress and points of toast "I wanna more piss". She tella me " Go to the toillett"
I say "No, No, I wanna piss on my plate"
She then say to me " you bloddy fella not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch" Secon person who do not even know me and calls me sonnawabitch! Wat is sonnawabitch?
Later I go dinner into ristorante. Spoon and knife is laid out but no fock. I tella waitress "I wanna fock", and she tella me " sure everybody wanna fock" I tella her " no, no, you don't understand me. I wanna fock on the table".
She then tella me " So you sonnawabitch, wanna fock on the table? got your ass out of here" So I go to the receptione and ask for the bills. I no wanna stay in this hotella no more.
When I have pay the bills, the porter say to me "Thank you and peace on you" I say " piss on you too, you sonnawabitch"I go back to Italy!
I never more comma stay in your hotella, you sonnawabitch.
V.I.P. In The Limo
Week: Monday 18th October 1999.The Pope was on a visit to New York to speak to the General Assembly at the UN. The Secretary General was to pick him up personally at the airport but, being detained by some crisis or another, sent his personal limo on ahead instead. The driver held up a sign that simply said "Pope" and explained to the Pope what had happened and that he was there to take him to UN headquarters and invited the Pope to sit in the back of the limo.
The Pope got in and, boy, was he impressed: 9 yard leather seats, one-way tinted glass, Dom P. on ice, air conditioning, sliding sun roof, stereo, television with satellite dish, computer and fax machine, magic fingers under the seat, all of the comforts. Then the Pope saw the driver: Walkman headphones on, wrap around Raybans, leather racing gloves, elbow out the window, wind blowing in the hair,... The Pope knocked on the glass and said: "My good man, I have a proposition for you. I bet you have never sat back here before and I have never driven one of these things before so, what do you say, shall we trade places? You come back here and let me drive?"
The driver resisted at first but eventually agreed. He pulled over to the curb, go out, let the Pope behind the wheel and settled in in the back with the bottle of bubbly. The Pope adjusted the mirrors, put on the headphones, turned up Tina Turner, stuck his elbow out the window and stuck his foot in it: 80 mph, 100, 120, settled in at 140 mph and flew right past a motorcycle cop.
He said: "Sarge, Mullaney here, look I have pulled over this limo here on 47th Street for speeding and we got a problem. It's a VIP". The sergeant said: "OK Mike, I understand, tell me. Just how important is he? Is he, for instance, more important than the Chief of Police?" Mullaney said: "Yes Sarge, more important than the Chief."
"Alright", said the Sergeant, "is he more important than, say, the Mayor?" Mullaney said that he was even more important than that Mayor. The Sergeant asked: "The Governor?" and Mullaney answered: "Yes Sarge, more important than the Governor even."
The Sergeant said: "But, surely, not more important than the Senator?" and Mullaney replied that this VIP was much more important than even the Senator. The Sergeant began to be a bit worried and asked: "God man, you didn't stop the President of the United States did you?" The cop said: "No sir I didn't, but this man is even more important than the President."
The sergeant said: "More important even than the President of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA? Then tell me, who is it?"
The cop said: "Well Sarge, I can't rightly say who he is but I can tell you this. His driver is the Pope!"
Only in America...
Week: Monday 11th October 1999.Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
Calling Technical Support....
Week: Monday 4th October 1999.Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people who are even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity.
In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit product identification number on to your telephone, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to prevent being seen. Please note that you made need a size 11 3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your original equipment manufacturer.
Do that NOW!
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever gets to your call.
If you were an inconsiderate jerk -- we mean forgetful customer -- and threw away your original packing materials, please call the company that sent you the computer and ask them to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles, fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while you wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !) ...
It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (we all talk you know)...
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touch pad.
If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live." Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway....
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions:
1. If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer?
2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred last-resort-only telephone option?
3. Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support?
4. Have I consulted my manual?
5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk?
6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes?
7. Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?
If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours. You must be really be so bored that you have to call technical support just to have someone to speak to about geek stuff...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers. ...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in line. Please push "one" if you would like to be connected again to technical Support
1
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery.
As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users.
Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise.
WordPerfect Help
Week: Monday 27th September 1999.This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause".
This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:
"WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
How To Avoid A Collision?
Week: Monday 20th September 1999.This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio convorsation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95
AMERICANS: - Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: - Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.
AMERICANS: - This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: - No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: - THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
CANADIANS: - This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Blood Needed
Week: Monday 13th September 1999.A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally, he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
Moving Houses
Week: Monday 6th September 1999.Banta Singh was shifting his residence. He was packing his belongings. By midnight he was too tired and dozed off with the house door open.
A sound woke him up. A thief was packing valuables. Banta Singh found it very amusing; the thief was doing the job for him! "When this smart guy finishes packing, I will catch him".
Banta was a hefty guy; so when the burglar finished packing, Banta Singh jumped on him and tied him up. Then he went to the police station and reported the matter.
"What did you do to the thief"? "I tied his hands; you come and collect him". "I hope you tied his legs too". Banta Singh felt a cold feeling in his spine; he had forgotten about the legs. He sat down for a while.
Then he cheered up and said, "Inspector Sab, the thief, he will still be there". "How do you know"?
"Well, that fellow is also a Sardarji"
Banta Goes Shopping
Week: Monday 30th August 1999.Banta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths's (Ubiquitious grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Santa to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week Banta finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Santa to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Banta goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.
Next week Banta comes to Woolworth's with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Banta: "What! This is shit!" Banta calmly replies: "Yes, and I want toilet paper"
Punjab Airways
Week: Monday 23rd August 1999." Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways.
We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the bakery.This is flight one-two six flight to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the East. And if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!
Punjab Airways has an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. For the ones that don't quiet make it, Punjab Airways staff has all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Stewardess Bubbly will be happy to brief you on our out of court settlement policies.
If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off! To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits! For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!
We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buff, we will be flying right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.
There is no smoking in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!
Life jacket are positioned under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available to the aunties and swimming shorts to the uncles, for emergency jumps !
In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your belt. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a flight attendant for your suitcase.
Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cockpit.
Thank you for choosing Punjab Airways.
HAVE A NICE JOURNEY ???
Conflict
Week: Monday 16th August 1999.Two Pakistanis boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Indian guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Pakistanis.
He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Pakistani in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Indian. "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, the Pakistani picked up the Indian's shoe and spit in it. When the Indian returned with the coke, the other Pakistani said, "That looks good.I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Indian obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Pakistani other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Indian returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Indian slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Indian asked. "This enmity between our people..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
Marriage
Week: Monday 9th August 1999.Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore,marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get MARRIED!
Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
This is ofcourse only from the male point of view!
This wont hurt.
Week: Monday 2nd August 1999.There was a lawyer that was talking to his client who just committed murder.
He said "I have some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is that you're getting the electric chair."
His client said "That's terrible!! Well, what's the good news? "
The lawyer said "I got the voltage lowered."
Indian Executive doing Business
Week: Monday 26th July 1999.Four major executives from various countries were playing golf together On the second tee they heard a phone ring. The Canadian executive reached his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. "OK buy 1000 Microsoft shares", the Canadian tells the other person on the phone, then hangs up. He then says to the others, "I'm such an important person that I have to make sure my employees can reach me at any time.Therefore I carry a cell phone everywhere."
On the next tee, they heard another phone ring. All of a sudden the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to his ear and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others "I'm so important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way, I don't have to worry about carrying a cellular telephone." The people are impressed and move on.
On the green, they heard another phone ring. The German guy stands up tall and says "OK sell the company now." He loosens up and tells the others "I'm so important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up stand up straight to get the signal." Everybody is really impressed and they continue playing.
At the next tee they heard another phone ring. All of a sudden the Indian executive runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they went into the bushes. The Indian guy was in the bushes with his pants around his legs and squatting as if to take a dump. "Oh, we're sorry" the American executive exclaims, "we'll leave you alone."
"That's OK," the Indian executive says "I'm just waiting for a fax."
Bihari and the Ticket Collector
Week: Monday 19th July 1999.A Bihari travelling by a DTC bus is stopped by a TC (Ticket Collector). The TC seems satisfied but the Bihari shows the TC another perfectly valid ticket for the same day.
"yeh kyon liya"? asks the TC
(why the additional ticket)
"pehla ticket gum gaya tau"?
(what if I lose the first one)
"aur agar dono gum gaye"? the TC asks
(what if you lose both tickets)
"tau hum Monthly Pass kyon banaye hain"
(that's why I have a monthly pass)
says the Bihari whipping out his Laminated Bus Pass
Webmaster: Haresh Mehra