Dating

A lot of you are probably saying, "Why should I find a girlfriend? My mountains of material possessions will keep me happy for the rest of my life!" Well, I've got news for you, Jack. Soon your army of stuff will fall into disrepair and you will become a bitter, decrepit old man, with the only pleasure you get coming from the times the neighbor kids play kickball on your front lawn and you throw bottles of your own urine at them in an attempt to scare them off. Sure, your sixty year collection of T.V. Guides will be nothing to sneeze at, but when you finally choke to death on your own vomitus bile of hatred for mankind, the only people who will show up at your funeral will be there just to defecate on your grave. Now let's get started on an adventure that's sure to get your hopes up when it comes to the ladies.

So I bet now you're saying, "Bob, where do we find these mythical creatures?" Ninety percent of all research done outside Alabama says that most future life mates are found outside the home. Like it or not, its time to take a trip to the outside world.

According to my research, the top four places girls are most likely to be are :

1.) Lillith Fair
2.) Someplace watching Lifetime
3.) Women's restroom
4.) Someplace watching "The View"

Before you leave, you have to prepare! Girls can smell incompetence and will eat you alive like the cocktail wiener you are! Here are some basic things to bring :

1.) Gold : Girls are attracted to shiny objects, so the shinier the better. You need to be more decorated than Mr. T at Mardi Gras. Note : If you're out of gold, in a pinch try affixing aluminum cans to yourself with a staple gun, or using some kind of honey glaze treatment.

2.) Pager : Nothing says, "Everybody wants to fuck me" quite like a pager. HINT : Set it off in your own pocket every three minutes, look down and say, "Oh, not her again." HINT : You can use a candy pager but make sure you're not eating candy from it in front of everybody. Then everybody will want candy. See?

3.) A Sweet Ride : If you don't have a nice car, work an entry level job for five years and buy one. The suckers at the car lots have these things called "test drives," but you can usually get the dealer to jump out by pretending to talk to Jerry, the Magic Ashtray.

EX : What's that, Jerry? You want me to KILL everyone?

If you return the car by the end of the night, most dealerships won't press charges.

4.) Some Kind of Infant/Cute Thing/Chinese Man : Nothing says, "I'm responsible," like having a kid or owning a pet. However, if court orders prevent you from doing either, I suggest borrowing one or the other from a neighbor/complete stranger. They'll be glad you did!

5.) An Inflatable Zebra : Trust me, when you need this, you'll know.

SO, now that you've got all four of the items above, you're ready for a fox hunt. If you don't, well, your only hope is to somehow become Tom Cruise. I don't know how you'll ever find someone otherwise, so you might as well end it all right here. It won't be long until you see your first woman. But wait! It may be tempting to smash her open and see if girls really are filled with syrup like grandpa said, but that's for later. Everything depends on that first line you say. Here are some rights and wrongs.

WRONG : "Hi, how are you?"

I could go into a whole article why this is wrong, but girls know you really don't care how they're doing. All they know is that with each word you think you're getting closer to getting in their pants. Don't do it.

RIGHT : "AAAAaaaay! Sit on it!"

YES! If there's one Bible truth, it's that girls love the Fonz. You don't believe me? I don't see a fucking Richie Cunningham fan club, asshole.

WRONG : "Sure is some nice weather."

You might as well just send your grandpa out there to talk to her. Also, why not tell her about your prostrate troubles? Christ I can't believe you.

RIGHT : "Yessir, I sure am in the mood for some ORAL SEX!"

This shows the girl that you are immediately ready for a deep, intimate relationship. Also, feel free to replace "ORAL SEX" with "DEEP PENETRATION."

WRONG : "You busy tonight?"

You might as well just go to a doily-knitting convention, you fucking pansy.

RIGHT : "You WILL date me, puny earth woman!"

There are seventeen things right with this sentence, fifteen of which are illegal in Kentucky. The "earth woman" comment will appeal to stupid women that like foreign things. It also works much better if you but both of your fingers in your nose.

Onward, to part TWO!