Limericks

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A selection of quality limericks

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WARNING
Whilst the limericks on this page contain no swearwords or obscenities, some use words or have subject matter that some people could find offensive. If you think you might be offended, leave now...
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Introduction
If this page doesn't display properly somewhere on the page, it's probably because Free Prohosting's banner codes seem sometimes to do strange things!
The limericks on this page are mainly a selection from the many I've written over the years. Those which are not mine are identified as such. Unfortunately, most of my own limericks have ranged from the mildly obscene to the utterly coarse, and I'm left with very few that can be published with relatively little fear of causing offence. (However, some people could still be offended by some of the limericks here.)
You'll find links to some other limericks pages on my Miscellany page.

WARNING
Limericks can offend by words or subject. If you think you might be offended, please leave now... Click here to leave now
You have been warned.

The limericks
With his thoughts on all sorts of abuse
Patrick asked the good folk of Dunluce
If he brought his shillelagh
Along to their ceilidh
Would it get, did they think, any use?

There was a young sailor named Gates,
Who boarded his schooner on skates.
He slipped on his cutless,
Which rendered him nutless,
And also quite useless on dates!
· From Ward R. Vickery

Out of love for my newlywed Claire,
I decided to gift her an heir,
But she cried in disdain,
As my work proved in vain,
And the present got caught in her hair.
· From Bernard L'Allier

With his Asperger's Syndrome he coped
Quite as well as his doctors had hoped:
He hollowed a tree,
Moved in, and said, "Me?
I'll go out no more, unless doped!"

A gentleman Katey knew slightly
Persisted in e-mailing nightly
To ask her if she
Would ever be free
To come round and tie him up tightly.
· From Kait Gray

What a limerick is in a crunch
Is a bit like a loony’s light lunch,
Though it briefly delights
It’s just four nutty bites
Swallowed down with a ludicrous punch.
· From Graham Lester

A pet store employee named Blair
Was missing a small patch of hair.
A tarantula crawled
To the spot that was bald
And nobody noticed it there!
· From Tillmanator - Tillmanator's Limericks Page

An old maid phoned the desk and said, "Joe,
What's the noise from that room down below?"
"Oh, they're holding," he sighed,
"An Elk's Ball just inside."
"Well then, tell them," she said, "to let go!"
· Anon.

Said a rather promiscuous duck,
"With the drakes I just don't get no luck;
They approach me all slick
But then paddle off quick -
They can't seem to muster the pluck." Duck

There once was a man from New York
Whose penis was shaped like a fork.
While screwing his wife,
Who was shaped like a knife
They could carve up a really nice pork!
· From Tillmanator - Tillmanator's Limericks Page

One frore gelid night on the staithe
Came two with a reave caught a-rathe;
To the void picaroon
They crowed, "Now, picayune,
Your day shall begin with a bathe!"
· The (not entirely successful) result of a challenge to write a limerick using only real English words which would nonetheless be completely incomprehensible to most readers.

There was a young man from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan;
When they said it was so
He said,"Yes, I know,
But I always try to get as many words into the last line as ever I possibly can!"
· My thanks to Martha Evans for reminding me of this one

Poor young Relph was fast losing his sanity
And was diagnosed “split personality”,
When his doctor said “Relph,
Can you live with yourself?”
He said, “Yes, only not in reality”.
· From Graham Lester

"My back aches, my penis is sore,
I really can't screw any more:
I'm dripping with sweat,
You haven't come yet,
And - oh, no, it's a quarter to four!"
     "In that case, I think you should know:
     I wondered how far you could go;
     Though I stifled my moans
     And held back on groans
     I came thirty times in a row!"
     · The first is anon, the second mine.

To a Philosopher:
"Is it true that a chap named Descartes
Saw a new metaphysical start,
Or could it just be
That you, he and me
Are your dream, you deluded old fart?"
     The Philosopher's Reply:
     "Indeed it is all as you find:
     Only down in the murk of my mind
     Do we three exist;
     And because I'm quite pissed
     We talk rot, as I'm sure you've opined."

Said an oak, "It isn't nice to crow
But trees are so much purer, though;
The birds and the bees
Is all nasty sleaze:
Mighty oaks from little acorns grow." Acorn

A prodigious soprano named Dotty
Ate a dinner of beans and biscotti
Then, I’m sad to impart,
Her intestines took part
In her duet with poor Pavarotti.
· From Graham Lester

On the breasts of a barmaid at Yale
Are tattooed all the prices of ale,
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Are the same, but they're written in Braille.
· Original believed anon. I've seen many variations of this, all failing to scan properly. This is my tidy-up of it.

A contortionist let her act slip
'til her agent said, "Look, get a grip,
If you find the Klein bottle
Too hard, well then, what'll
You charge for a Möbius strip?"

There once was a man from afar
Who bought a flamenco guitar;
When he painted it pink
It made others think
That his English was way below par!
· From Tillmanator - Tillmanator's Limericks Page

There once was a woman named Bright
Who travelled much faster than light:
She set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
· Anon.

There once was a woman named Kerr
Who travelled much faster than her :
In the course of a day
In her relative way
She'd become the most absolute blur.

In an earthquake, the best thing to do
Is to set about having a screw:
When you're done, you can say
In a nonchalant way,
"May I ask, did the earth move for you?"

An old-fashioned person named Brett
Said, "This sonnet my love will me get."
Not having email
He sent it by snail:
Neither letter nor Brett have come yet. Snail

There was a young curate of Salisbury
Whose manners were quite halisbury-scalisbury
He would wander round Hampshire
Without any pampshire
Til the bishop compelled him to walisbury.
· Anon.

I am going out dancing tonight
With a couple of friends, to get tight,
If I come home all blurry
And sticky and slurry
And smelling of sick, don't take fright.
· From Kait Gray

There once was a vampire named Mabel
Whose periods were exceptionally stable,
By the light of the moon
With the aid of a spoon
She would drink herself under the table.
· Anon. Discovered on the wall of a lavatory in the Wyeside Arts Centre, Builth Wells, Wales.

When you've done quite the best that you can
But your limerick still doesn't scan
And the lines won't run true
And the whole thing's askew and wrong, well, don't worry about it, just write whatever comes into your head and call the silly thing a clerihew.
· (OK, this isn't a limerick, but I wanted to include it somewhere.)

A confused driving student one night
Made a left by mistake at the light
Then she turned left twice more
With intent to be sure
For she knew that three wrongs make a right.
· From Graham Lester

A whore, quite dyslexic, named Bet
Thought she'd drum up some trade on the net,
But gash, kcus and ckuf
Made her role sound so rough
That SM-ers are all she can get.

Xanadu's too expensive for Khan:
He's at work on converting a barn;
But there's talk of a dome,
And of rivers that roam
Then drop down to an underground tarn.
     A dome and some caves cut in ice,
     Some rocks and a fountain sound nice;
     But Alf - he's the chippie -
     Says Khan is quite dippy:
     It still can't be done at the price.

A shiftless young fellow of Kent
Had his wife lay the landlord for rent:
But as she grew older,
The landlord grew colder,
And now they live out in a tent.
· Anon.

There was a young fellow from Kent
With an organ so long that it bent;
To save himself trouble
He'd put it in double
And while he was coming, he went.
· Anon.

The way it might have been...
I knocked long 'fore he turned back the door lock:
"Afternoon", I quoth, touching my forelock,
But Sam wouldn't chat,
Said, "I've no time for that",
So I took meself back home to Porlock.

I would be pleased to hear from anyone who knows the origin or the full words of the following. Some say it's from a limerick, some say it's from a song. If you know the full version please let me know.
Ten thousand Swedes ran through the weeds
All chased by one Norwegian.
Update 15 Feb 2002 - Thanks to Robin Smith who sent the following:
> The song is called the "The Battle of Copenhagen" and goes something like:
Ten Thousand Swedes ran through the weeds,
at the battle of Copenhagen.
Ten Thousand Swedes ran through the weeds,
with one Norwegian behind them.................
My Norwegian great grandmother would break into this song when she battled wits with her Swedish farm hand, but, reportedly before she could get any further, he'd shout, "Ya, cuz he smelt zo bahd!" <
Update 9 Jan 2003 - Thanks again to Robin who has supplied what seems to be the answer:
The words are from a poem by E C Stangland, and the full poem can be found at this page.

There are links to some other limericks pages on my Miscellany page.
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